Sixteen ways to make Bonfire Night great again

It’s not true, as people quite often suggest, that Halloween is nothing but a gauche American import to Britain: its roots in the ancient Gaelic festival of Samhain mean it’s long been celebrated in parts of Scotland. What is true, though, is that – half a lifetime ago – you could roam the streets of the more southern parts of this island on October 31 without having the faintest idea that anything spooky was afoot. It was great.

Recently, though, Halloween has become inescapable. The moment the first leaf drops, homes are decked out in black and orange, shops sell sugar in a bafflingly disgusting range of shapes, and social media users introduce horror-pun nicknames that they seem to be under the misleading impression are funny. Guy Fawkes Night – which, with its combination of bonfires, fireworks, and burning Catholics in effigy, was the proper British way of celebrating the season – has largely dropped from view.

This is infuriating because – and apologies to any Spanish imperialist agents reading – Guy Fawkes Night was clearly better. Nobody knocked on your door; nobody made you dress up. Halloween means spending ages getting fake blood and cobwebs out of your carpet. On Bonfire Night, you get to make things explode.

So what can a patriotic government do to rebalance the scales, and to promote our proud national heritage once again? Here are some suggestions.

1. To avoid claims of anti-Catholic bias, promote alternative narratives in which the persecuted group threatening to burn down parliament on November 5 are actually someone we can all unite against: Zoroastrians, perhaps, or Liberal Democrats.

2. Remind the many, right-thinking people who hate drawing attention to themselves that Bonfire Night doesn’t require dressing up – except possibly in a big scarf and shapeless coat which is, of course, the best way of dressing up.

3. If that doesn’t work, conduct research into new Bonfire Night-appropriate costumes: sexy barrels of gunpowder, slutty James I, and so forth.

4. Pumpkin spice sparklers.

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5. Promote public information films on TikTok and YouTube explaining to kids that they might get to play with real, actual fire.

6. Investigate the gaming potential of bobbing for pumpkins.

7. To keep Bonfire Night special, introduce rules preventing the sale or use of fireworks at any time except November 5 and Diwali. Fireworks on New Year’s Eve to be banned entirely, except for viewers in Scotland (good for tourism). July 4 allowed only in the event of a full and frank apology from the United States.

8. Something involving a wicker man. Open minded as to what.

9. Liven things up by introducing annual ceremonial attempts to burn down parliament again. These would, if at all possible, be defeated.

10. Ban “spooky” puns at all times. (Please.)

11. Rebrand the “Guy” as the “Nigel”. Not only will this be extremely popular, especially with young people, but he’ll inevitably kick off about it, probably through a video posted to X, thus giving the campaign much-needed free publicity.

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12. More blood. So much more blood.

13. Broaden the appeal of Bonfire Night by expanding it to commemorate other cool things that happened on November 5, such as Britain’s 1956 invasion of Egypt, or the election of the 37th US president in 1968. Everybody loves Richard Nixon and the Suez Crisis, right?

14. The ideal solution, of course, would be to keep both Halloween and Guy Fawkes night, but neither, alas, is a moveable feast. Obvious solution: introduce an extra month between October and November. To avoid controversy, name it after someone universally loved (“Bashtember”).

15. We probably shouldn’t keep the “trick” part of trick or treating. Not with fire. Too far.

16. And if all else fails… just hand out sweets.