1. In one unnerving insight into how the night is likely to play out, the White House spends much of election day briefing that Kansas is not really a proper state.
2. In another, the main entrances to the Capitol building are barred shut without explanation. Signs read “CLOSED FOR RENOVATION”.
3. As results begin to flow in, and predictions of a blue wave come to pass, Tucker Carlson unveils a 14-hour YouTube essay exploring the question of whether democracy is un-American.
4. A four-star general tells Fox & Friends that his colleagues have been told to draw up plans to redeploy troops from Germany to Wisconsin.
5. A top-secret White House TV unit – established to narrowcast alternative election results directly to the Oval, residence and Mar-a-Lago via closed circuit – is foiled when Melania refuses to miss Real Housewives of Rhode Island.
6. That same day, Trump sacks his press secretary, again. A housewife from Providence, Rhode Island, is the unexpected favourite for replacement.
7. Senior administration officials arrange a press conference intended to suggest that delayed certification of results in certain states – a direct result of Republican attempts to disrupt the electoral process – casts doubts on the validity and fairness of those results that have come in. Unfortunately, the message doesn’t get through as Trump goes off-message to describe what observers suspect to be a cartoon (“He’s just a little guy, little brown guy, yet he humiliates the cat every time. Personally, I wouldn’t put up with that”).
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8. In an exclusive interview with a Norwegian podcaster who found the president’s mobile number on the dark web, Trump explains at great length that he knows the Republicans won because they put so much effort into cheating.
9. In another hastily arranged press conference, Trump explains that the problem was that Republicans are losers who weren’t seen with him frequently enough. He also talks a lot about Michigan Senator Abdul El-Sayed’s arms.
10. In December, the federal government shuts down, again, after Trump declines to sign a continuing resolution to fund it, on the same principle as a small boy losing at football and taking his ball home.
11. In January, the administration puts pressure on Speaker Johnson to replace the clerk of the House of Representatives with one who’ll decline to seat newly elected Democrats and to hell with the consequences. The consequences, it turns out, are “jail”.
12. It is mid-February before the Democrats are actually able to act like they are in the majority. By then, the Trump family is the proud owner of three national parks and much of Minnesota.
13. Attorney-general Todd Blanche, meanwhile, instructs the Department of Justice to launch its own investigation into whether gas stations committed treason by advertising prices.
14. When Republican Party post mortems conclude that the cause of the defeat can be summed up as “the economy, stupid”, the White House announces a plan to produce a second, more flattering set of figures, published precisely 90 minutes after those from the US Bureau of Economic Analysis.
15. After the House of Representatives moves to impeach Pete Hegseth, Trump cracks a joke about how perhaps he’ll be the one to be publicly executed by firing squad. When it hits a certain number of retweets, he follows up with an AI video.
16. In the resulting chaos, Trump fires the real housewife from Rhode Island.
17. In March, Elon Musk unveils new Grok-powered voting machines for use in 2028, meaning that people will for the first time be able to cast their ballots on X, the everything app (TM).
18. The next day, Trump posts that he’s just signed an executive order to impeach Congress, then goes off to play a nice relaxing round of golf.
