Naturally, we’re now being told we must stockpile essentials in case things go wrong. Life had just been too rosy of late; what we needed was for the government to remind us of the fact that the worst may yet be to come.
Maybe the Russians will attack, or the Iranians will pip them to the post. The internet may yet break down altogether, and it isn’t outside the realm of possibility that Elon Musk will implode in a way that implicates all eight billion of us.
It isn’t certain that things will go south but it is enough of a possibility that Andy Burnham has informed a grateful nation that he will be stocking up on beans, soup and Twiglets. Angela Rayner, the nation’s cool mum, went for, among other things, some Sauvignon Blanc, mascara, concealer and a tin of custard. Why the rest of the world makes fun of British eating habits, we may never know.
Though the BBC has gone for sterner advice, and told people to buy ample quantities of bottled water, tinned food, torches, blankets, hand sanitiser, yada yada, I feel it necessary to come in with my two cents.
What should you be stockpiling now, in case we all end up once again stuck inside our houses, but this time with even fewer resources than during the pandemic? Easy:
1. Some white rice
Rice is nutritious and goes with more or less everything; you can now buy those pouches of it which, granted, taste better if stir-fried or chucked in the microwave for a minute or so, but they’re still edible cold.
2. Some brown rice
For when you’re feeling like you need to feel some sense of achievement but struggle to feel righteous while stuck on the couch for 12 hours a day.
3. An extra phone
You can keep using your normal phone to keep in touch with your friends and family, and to read the news and do whatever it is you do normally, but you’ll get bored eventually. Why not simply acquire a new number and prank call your mates? Also useful if you want to start trolling the Russians. Let’s see if they can take it as well as they dish it out.
4. A grotesque number of fancy advent calendars
In retrospect, this is something I ought to have done during the lockdowns. There is something reassuring about the remorseless passing of time, especially when you’re feeling unmoored and afraid. By, say, eating a dainty pot of jam for breakfast, having a little chocolate with lunch, and drinking a small bottle of novelty gin every evening, you won’t be able to forget that every day is fresh, and brings its own promise.
5. Tinned tuna, both of the regular and pretentious kind
Sometimes in life you feel you deserve a special treat and sometimes you must simply submit yourself to an unremarkable but soothing routine. Stocking enough cans of tuna both plain and needlessly hipsterish will allow you to modulate for whatever you’re feeling that day, allowing you to recreate the highs and lows that being out in the world usually offers, and which are important to everyone’s well-being.
Suggested Reading
My sincere advice to you – go back in time
6. Some shoes that need breaking in
Again: always good to have something to do, and purposefully walking around your home will make you focus on those better days ahead, when the crisis, whatever it ends up being, will come to an end, and you will be able to step outside once more – this time looking more dapper than ever.
7. Plasters
For your feet, because of those stupid shoes.
8. All seven volumes of Proust’s In Search Of Lost Time
You can either choose to spend your time wisely and read 100,000 pages of a literary masterpiece, or you can revel in the delicious guilt of purposely doing anything but that. It’s a win-win.
And that is all! Enjoy the upcoming horrors, everyone! I’m off to nick some of Angie’s plonk, just in case.
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