The Reform guide to climate change

And when it comes to the hotly contested issue of global warming, these people will stop at nothing – physics, maths, dogshit through your letterbox – to further their insidious campaign to put great British employers like Chevron, CNPC and Saudi Aramco out of business.

That is why it is time to fight back. Not just for our donors (a full eight per cent of whom actually are not petrochemical interests, highly polluting industries or climate-science deniers) but for our children, some of whom might never know the joy of filling up a Nissan Navara with a tank of diesel that’s jumped in price from £90 to £167.52 inside a week.

Written by esteemed academics Dr David Bull, Dr Gillian McKeith, Master Darren Grimes, Major Ant Middleton, and Miner Lee Anderson, peer reviewed by our donors and subject to minor revisions from Saudi Aramco’s legal department, this is your comprehensive primer for the doorstep.

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The context

Thermodynamics is the branch of physics that gives us quaint notions such as that energy can’t be created or destroyed, heat flows from hot things to cold things, and burning fuel releases energy. The theory is over a century old and obsolete.

Despite this, scientists have had the audacity to apply these laws to the Earth’s climate, arguing that the extraction and burning of colossal quantities of fossil fuel has dramatically modified our planet’s energy balance and led to global warming at an unmanageable rate.

The foundational laws of physics are a front invented by scientists as part of an international conspiracy of the global elite, and their foot soldiers – posh people with dreadlocks – designed to curtail our liberties and tax us out of driving Range Rover Evoques.

In short, they expect us to believe that burning things makes them hotter. No wonder Darren Grimes is banned from buying matches in every shop in County Durham. 

How to debunk the ‘facts’

What they say:

The last decade was the warmest in human history. 2024 was the warmest year on record.

What Reform says:

While scientists claim to have used millions of cross-checked data points from NASA’s satellites and the Copernicus Marine Environment Monitoring Service, you only need to take a quick glance at Facebook to see that the summer of 1976 was much hotter. Meanwhile, the mercury thermometers that were used to record those higher temperatures in 1976 have since been phased out. Coincidence?

What they say:

There’s a 99% consensus among climate scientists that global warming, driven by human activity, is happening. 

What Reform says:

There’s a 110% consensus among Reform members that it isn’t. You do the maths. (We win by 12%.)

What they say:

The warming is caused by burning fossil fuels.

What Reform says:

In the Bible, God tells us in plain English that the planet is only 6,500 years old. Fossils are supposed to be tens of millions of years old. They can’t even get their lies straight.

What the World Economic Forum says:

Ice is melting. Crucial polar ice sheets, along with glaciers worldwide, are melting faster than ever. The Sphinx in Scotland used to have snow all year-round. Now it melts every year.

What Reform says:

Again, it doesn’t stack up: poles imply the Earth is round. And the Sphinx is probably melting because scientists keep going up there to take photos.

What they say:

Sea levels are rising: levels have risen globally by 20cm since 1900, with the current rate of increase accelerating.

What Reform says: 

According to extensive research conducted by Darren Grimes and Lee Anderson at Filey, high tide is often followed by a low tide. Have the scientists factored this in?

What they say:

The hockey stick graph shows two thousand years of temperature fluctuations within a narrow range, followed by a steep rise beginning in the late 19^th century and accelerating through the 20^th. They call this the global surface temperature anomaly. 

What Reform says:

Graphs are just opinions with axes.

What they say:

A super El Niño is under way. 2026 could be the hottest year ever recorded.

What we say:

Nonsense. According to Nigel Farage’s well-placed sources, it rained twice in Clacton last week.

What they say:

Insurers and actuaries warn that as warming increases so do extreme weather events like floods, droughts and wildfires. Extreme weather is real, poses major financial and societal risks, and is being underestimated.

What we say:

Insurers have been predicting disasters for years. If they were any good at it, premiums would be lower.

What they say: 

Renewable energy is an endless supply of cheap, clean energy that could lower bills, revitalise the economy and decouple us from reliance on Putin and Arab petrostates.

What we say:

This is a pernicious argument, framed to make it look like we’re self-interested maniacs who would sacrifice our children’s future for a quick buck. The best response here is to go nuclear. Ask: “Did you come in a car to get here?”

This handy little regulation – you’re not allowed to object to anthropogenic climate change if you’ve ever used a car – conveniently precludes 100% of people from complaining about global warming.

What they say:

Extremely well-funded petrochemical interests are fuelling disinformation about Net Zero

What Reform says:

Net Zero equals net stupid

What they say:

Net Zero is fuelling growth and generating clean energy, hundreds of millions of pounds and tens of thousands of highly skilled jobs.

What we say: 

Yeah, but what’s the point if China isn’t doing anything?

What they say: 

China is the world leader in renewables growth.

What we say: 

Oh, fuck off.

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Conclusion

The primary goal of science is to acquire a deep understanding of the mechanisms and patterns in the world around us, using empirical evidence gathered through rigorous methodology, to scare people into Quorn-fuelled joyless lifestyles.

Because of this, science is a highly oiled propaganda machine, so don’t worry if you sometimes find yourselves on the back foot. In such situations, buy yourself some time before changing the subject back to immigrants, and deploy the ExxonMobil DEESA protocols:

1. Deny it’s happening
2. Emphasise the uncertainty
3. Engage in economic scaremongering
4. Say it’s your fault, not ours
5. Agree that we all need to work together as part of the solution

Helpfully, the solution is always the same: fewer regulations, less intervention, more tax breaks. If they try to tell you that those things only benefit the ultra-rich and are detrimental to everyone else, snare them with their own logic:

If we are living on a magnificent and abundant planet, which after billions of years of reproduction has become the only place in the known universe capable of sustaining life, then it is beholden on us to protect all life – even the sociopaths fighting over the most profitable position on the track while the freight train of global warming bears down on us all.

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