Farage The Movie: The world’s most persecuted man

… from the people who brought you Taking Back Control…

… and let’s go WTO…

… comes the incredible story of a man who discovers the greatest threat to democracy: a follow-up question.

A major motion picture. Based on a (possibly) true story.

Hollywood loves an underdog. Erin Brockovich had no legal training. Jamaica’s bobsleigh team had no snow. Paddington had the UK immigration system.

But no-one ever faced such hardship as Nigel Farage.

The World’s Most Persecuted Man tells of the humble investment banker who was never meant to be a hero. The privately educated son of a stockbroker, he’s forced to take on the British establishment armed with nothing but a pint of sovereignty, a dog whistle, and several million pounds. (Undeclared).

Sixteen years of heroic struggle culminate in Farage leading the UK out of the EU, yet what should be cause for celebration turns to nightmare as the deep state mobilises. And when it is found that Nigel is being secretly bankrolled by a crypto-billionaire, he faces his ultimate adversary: scrutiny.

Of course, he comes out fighting. Quitting the job he never did, for people he never liked, in a town he is never in, he calls a by-election for the ages. Can he vindicate himself by defeating a man with a bin on his head?

Title card:

A Bad Boys of Brexit production. In association with Harborne Industries and George Cottrell Productions.

Our hero sits alone in a green room at BBC Television Centre. Lloyd Webber’s haunting score swells. Laura Kuenssberg walks in and asks whether Nigel would prefer still or sparkling water.

Farage ignores her. Chris Mason rises. He has been buffing Nigel’s shoes. “I’ll get you one of each.”

“This,” sighs Farage, “is what persecution looks like.”

A bleak opening sequence – straight bananas, depressed fish, Grimsby run by ISIS

Dulwich College, 1980. Young Farage, dressed in his CCF uniform, goosesteps down a school corridor while addressing the camera.

NF: “As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be an anti-establishment politician.”

He passes a classroom where an English teacher is writing to the school’s headmaster. The teacher, played by Gary Lineker, voices the letter: “As a publicly professed racist with neo-fascist views, Nigel Farage is completely unsuited to the role of head boy.”

NF: “I knew they were out to get me from day one.”

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A montage of Farage’s life

Toddler Farage forms the Anti-Broccoli Party. Child Farage demands a referendum on playtime. Teenage Farage sings Hitler Youth songs. Shirtless Farage, UKIP tie wrapped around his head, punches slabs of imperially measured meat in a Brussels chiller while shouting, “Up yours, Delors”. 

Farage addresses the European Parliament: “You take the blue pill… the story ends. You take the red pill… we lose 6% of our GDP.”

The Brexit Campaign

Wearing nothing but a pinstriped kilt and painted in woad, Farage addresses the people of Thanet.

“They may take our frictionless free trade, but they’ll never take our freedom! Of movement. No, er, hang on, the other way around.”

Britain withdraws from Europe

A Dunkirk-style evacuation of MEPs carries cargoes of sovereignty across the Channel in small boats.

Hollow victory

Despite sacrificing everything, there are some who still do not love Nigel Farage. Drenched in a recently discharged McFlurry he falls to his knees and cries, unsure whether one man can continue demonising refugees and hawking gold bullion. 

But, after a tip-off from Arron Banks, Farage visits a town called Hayfield, where Thai-based crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne has left a box for him under a distinctive black volcanic rock in a long drystone wall. It contains £5million, to be spent on a milkshake protection unit. 

A self-destructing tape message tells him: “You definitely don’t have to declare this. Or advocate for crypto deregulation.”

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Smash cut to: General Election 2024

Bf 109s fill the Essex skies. Reform’s Spitfires scramble. Amid tumult in the clouds, Farage, Lee Anderson and Darren Grimes duel with Thornberry, Rayner, and Starmer. The Leftwaffe is routed.

With victory in sight, Grimes inadvertently shoots down Farage while looking for his screenwash. Farage bales out under a Union flag parachute and lands in the constituency of Clacton, where grateful natives immediately crown him MP.

The present

Despite his triumphs, our hero is dogged at every turn by the Establishment. Journalists keep asking him questions. Question Time keeps inviting him on. I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! forces him to take a massive cheque.

When it is found that Farage has accepted large sums of money and not declared them, and a journalist asks his daughter where her dad is, Farage (who expressly ignored the wishes of the family of murdered Henry Novak) is not pleased. He makes the bravest call imaginable: resignation to create a massive media circus.

The third act builds towards the greatest electoral contest ever staged: Nigel Farage versus a man with a bin on his head. Television helicopters circle. John Curtice and Rylan use touchscreen graphics. Fiona Bruce speaks in reverential tones usually reserved for royal funerals.

At 10 pm, the exit poll: Farage has won.

We rejoin him in the BBC green room. He stands to walk onto the set of BBC News at Ten through dry ice and confetti. Lloyd Webber’s score swells into a mash-up of Rule, Britannia! and Skimbleshanks.

“Nigel, truly, you are the man of the people,” says Chris Mason.

Nigel smiles knowingly. “Especially if they live on the Cayman Islands.”

Fade to black.

Post-credit scene

Six weeks later, a leisure centre in Clacton. Plastic chairs, trestle tables, tea cups and coffee-maker.

A returning officer hangs up his phone and looks into the camera. 

“Oh, for fu…”

Cut to:

THE WORLD’S MOST PERSECUTED MAN II: THE NEW MANDATE