A lifelong bachelor. For some reason, this publication appears to be reporting from 1953.
Knew her own mind. Could be an absolute bloody nightmare if you disagreed with her.
Dedicated to his career. Cared more for his paymasters than his children.
Dedicated to her family. Refused to answer the desk’s emails while on holiday.
Famously eccentric. Diagnosably unwell.
I didn’t always agree with her, but… I did always agree with her, and…
Forthright. Rude.
Uncompromising. Extremely rude.
Fearless. Loud and rude.
Larger than life. Drunk, loud and rude.
Provocateur. Professionally rude.
Brave. Right wing and rude.
Witty. Right wing, insulting and rude.
Bold. Wrong.
Challenged received wisdom. Also wrong.
No respecter of taboos. A bigot, who was wrong.
Provocative. Employed entirely for the hate clicks.
Nothing was off limits. Not one shred of human decency.
A great friend. A terrible husband.
Famously absent-minded. Never bought his round.
Bon viveur. Never could be trusted with a free bar.
Vivacious. Same! But female.
A character. The sort of person you’d cross the street to avoid.
Free spirit. Banned from the office, following the incident.
Heroic. Emotionally blackmailed by his family into doing something humiliating on the pretence that it was for the NHS.
One-time nation’s sweetheart. Perved over by millions.
Raconteur. Bore.
Famed for colourful stories. Liar.
An original thinker. A crank.
Knew what he wanted. Ask for Angela.
War hero. VE Day was 81 years ago, guys, for heaven’s sake don’t start asking which war.
Adored animals. Hated people.
Did not suffer fools gladly. Absolute ranging arsehole.
Never dull! Offensive! Also, dull.
Strident. Racist.
Old-fashioned sense of humour. Sexist AND racist.
An enthusiastic collector of memorabilia. We’ve all seen that episode of Father Ted.
A great sense of humour. Misogynist.
A great eye for the ladies. Cad.
A great interest in history. Oh god, oh no.
A great lover of women. There’s an office sweepstake on whether any extra children will show up for the reading of the will.
Much-loved in media circles. His open hatred of the general public was outshone only by their fierce loathing towards him.
Valued his privacy. Had the superinjunction team at Carter Ruck on speed-dial.
A lifelong campaigner for liberty. Never mind that he was a borderline fascist, he disliked both Brussels and tax
A lifelong campaigner against injustice. Spent half a century visibly itching to liquidate some kulaks.
A national treasure. Made it to the grave before any of the stories came out.
Never married. Really, what did they do in the past when someone wasn’t gay but they just happened to never have got married?
After an extremely long life. The writers of the first three drafts of this obituary predeceased the guy
Subject of many reminiscences. Ha ha! Defamation law no longer applies when you’re dead!
Will be sorely missed. That bastard owed me £50.
Celebration of his life. Christ, I need a drink.
