Lack of healthy ways of meeting people on a Friday night. Have I considered, the algorithm would like to know, going on a run that’s also a rave? What could be more fun than getting sweaty in the presence of athleisure-clad strangers, to whom I am too out of breath to talk, being hated by everyone around us because surely if there is anything more irritating than being disturbed by a rave it’s being disturbed by a rave that’s running at you.
Also, I’m sorry to bring this up, but I’m 45.
Lack of time for cooking thanks to the many hours I spend at the gym. Perhaps I should try this depressing-looking meal prep service.
Poorly lit video calls. I remain unconvinced that the people I am talking to would think any more of me if they could see me better.
A shortage of Sherlock Holmes and/or James Bond-themed treasure hunts. I’m not sure who the algorithm imagines me to be, but I think he might be a loser.
Paying too much for lead generation. Apparently I’m using the wrong CRM.
My friends all laughing at my uninformed football banter. It’s true I’m uninformed on the matter of football; it is not true that I worry about anyone judging me for this. Actually, when I asked, at half-time, during the only game I watched in the recent World Cup, why everyone had started kicking the wrong way, a woman I didn’t know told me I was “endearing”.
My obsessive, Gollum-esque need to acquire that compact bag I keep seeing on planes. I rarely fly. I have never seen that bag.
My poorly defined abs. Perhaps I should try meal prep?
Suggested Reading
20 things Keir Starmer could do next
A lack of beer which gives you “a slight buzz” but no hangover. A non-existent tweet, sent by a non-existent person, popped up in an all too real Instagram ad suggesting that “somebody should invent a beer that’s got functional mushrooms instead of alcohol”, entirely so that the caption could read “somebody did”. The reason I immediately knew that this person did not exist is because this is a thought that has never once been thunk by anyone who doesn’t own a functional mushroom-based brewery company in the entire history of the world. And the reason that I know that is because you are sitting there, right now, thinking to yourself, “What the hell’s a ’functional mushroom’?”
Using outdated tools to onboard my staff. I’m a freelance writer. I do not have staff. I work next to a dog. My dog does not require onboarding. My dog does not have thumbs.
Insufficient protein intake. So, this is a leftfield suggestion, but have I considered… meal prep?
(I know I keep going on about this, but I get those a lot – mostly advertised through clips of non-existent podcasts, as if anyone would think, “Oh, well, now I know it’s been on a podcast…” – and they depress the hell out of me. There is a whole world out there of people who work hard, train hard and are optimising their lifestyle to remove even the slightest threat of joy. For goodness’ sake, you’re 25, you’re meant to be doing unspeakable things to your body then crying in the office toilets of an afternoon. There’s no point optimising your body to enable you to work harder. You’re a recruitment consultant.)
Look, I do get that the algorithms don’t know anything; it’s just guessing using the most basic geographical or demographic information; this is why I get streaming ads suggesting I visit Tescos before the full moon every Eid, because I live in a highly Islamic part of London’s East End. But this does not explain why I get ads promising to, say, sublet my apartment while I complete my undergrad studies at NYU, or find the right private sixth form college in the West London area at which to take my A-levels. I’ve also been invited to apply for a particular degree course through clearing with the slogan “It’s not too late to join us!” Guys, I’ve checked my birth certificate. I really think it is.
All of which makes me almost grateful for the ad promising to address
The stiffness of my hamstrings. The solution is apparently a stick on a bit of string. This is still nonsense, but at least it’s lifestage-appropriate nonsense.
Maybe I should buy one.
