Bake sale and raffle. Okay, it’s hardly Harborne/Cottrell money, but it always worked for my infant school.
Bob-a-job week. Reform claims to have 270,000 active members. Set them all to work washing cars and mowing lawns, it’ll soon add up.
Give up avocados. If, as those of a certain age and mindset like to tell us all, the only reason the young can’t buy homes is because of their ruinously expensive avocado toast habit, then it stands to reason that a party the size of Reform could, just by switching to beans, save an absolute fortune. Hell, they might even try cancelling their Netflix accounts, too!
Clone Nigel Farage. Any management consultant will tell you that a company should direct resources to the most profitable part of its business, while winding down failing subsidiaries. The most cash flow-positive element of Reform’s operation is Farage’s media appearances. Since these are currently limited by the fact there is only one Nigel Farage, the solution seems obvious.
Also, I’m sorry, but you really are going to have to close Suella.
Take in a lodger. It’s what people did in the 1950s when, as Reform keep trying to tell us, everything was better.
Paper round. Like bob-a-job week, but with a welcome opportunity to help rebuild Britain’s crumbling print media too. [Enough of the crumbling – ED.]
Calendar Boys: Not only can you cash in on the calendars themselves, there’s juicy licensing deals for a feelgood movie to be had. Featuring David Morrissey as Andrew Rosindell as Mr December!
Drill, baby, drill! The party’s senior figures must have some pretty sizable land holdings between them. They seem pretty keen on new North Sea oil licences, and positively aroused by the possibility of fracking. Why would they not take this fantastic opportunity to do their bit against Net Zero?
Nigefest. I’m imagining a sort of cross between Fyre Festival and the day on X.com when a rumour goes round that Daniel Kaluuya is the new James Bond.
Nigecoin. Step one: create picture of braying monkey holding pint and fag in MS Paint. Step two: pass it back and forth to each other for ever more implausible sums of money. Step three: find some sucker outside to buy it. Result: profit.
Send mailshot to party members. “DEAR FRIEND, I AM MR NIGEL FARAGE, PARTY LEADER AND MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER AT THE REFORM UK CORPORATION. I HAVE BURIED WITHIN OUR SYSTEM AN OVER-INVOICED SUM OF $20.5 MILLION USD FROM A COMPLETED CONTRACT. WE WISH TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY OUT OF WESTMINSTER INTO A SAFE BANK ACCOUNT. HOWEVER-”
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Sell some of the memorabilia. You know the stuff I mean.
Sell Richard Tice. I know he’s second-hand but… that hair, those cheekbones, must be worth a few bob.
Take the advice of Norman Tebbit. “I grew up in the 1930s with a father who struggled to fund a radical right political party because people kept asking legally and politically contentious questions about where all our money was coming from. He didn’t initiate a pointless by-election against a bin. He got on his bike and looked for work, and he kept looking till he found it.”
Privatise something. Look, it always worked for Maggie, gawd bless her soul.
Sell a kidney. Robert Jenrick wakes up in a bath of ice with a suspicious scar and no memory of the night before.
Get Lee Anderson on OnlyFans. I know you want to unread that sentence, but you never, ever will.
Sell one of the houses. Or frankly, just put their hands in their pockets. Look, we all know there’s plenty of bulging wallets in possession of the most senior figures in Reform, and some of them have frankly not been pulling their weight. Come on guys, do you want Nigel Farage in Downing Street or not? It’s put up or shut up time.
Shut up shop. Just to be clear, this is completely and totally fine with the rest of us
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