20 things Keir Starmer could do next

Do a David Cameron (2023). The foreign affairs part of the job was, by common consent, the part of prime ministering that Starmer was best at. Why not aim to put his contacts and heft to good use, and smile hopefully at the new administration until it names him foreign secretary? That said, neither Cameron, nor Arthur Balfour and Alec Douglas-Home before him, got to do it for several years, until they’d ceased to be a threat/everyone had forgotten why they hated them. So there’s also:

Become NATO secretary-general. Starmer has told friends he’d be interested. Would offer many of the same upsides as the FCDO gig, with the added benefit that most intractable national conflicts are less vicious and sectarian than those inside the Labour party.

Become a senior backbencher. A chance to campaign on all those many policy areas Starmer showed so much passion for during his premiership! If that sounds too much like hard work there’s always

Do a Ted Heath. Same, with more briefing against his successors and waiting sulkily for everyone to realise their mistake and come crawling back.

Set up the Keir Starmer Institute For Global Change. Here too, it would help to have at least some interest in at least some policy – but if Keir can’t find any, he can always just ask what a passing rich person fancies and campaign, lucratively, for that.

Become Crown Stewart and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. This legal fiction disqualifies you from being an MP, by virtue of being an office of profit of the crown – which is odd, as it’s not, in fact, paid. Was used by Tony Blair to step down from Parliament the very moment he stopped being prime minister and being an MP didn’t seem fun any more. Doesn’t really answer the “what Keir does next” question; but would probably be some satisfying symbolism in kicking out the incumbent, Josh Simons, who traitorously quit his seat in Makerfield to clear space for Andy Burnham. Would also leave his successor facing a potentially difficult by-election (ha, ha).

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Go on I’m a Celebrity. Make use of that experience forcing himself to publicly eat shit while the entire nation jeers.

Go on Strictly Come Dancing. A tried and tested route for previously unpopular politicians to reinvent themselves as national treasures. If it goes well, this could lead to…

Hosting Good Morning Britain. Former twinkletoes Ed Balls is having a great time interviewing members of the Cabinet while trying to look like he isn’t, in some way, biased just because he used to be Labour’s shadow chancellor. Starmer would have the advantage that he couldn’t show bias towards the Labour Party if his life depended on it – and he isn’t married to even one senior Cabinet minister.

Keir Starmer impersonator. Look, there might be a market.

Do a Michael Portillo. Starmer’s a dad in his 60s. I know he’s kept it quiet but there must be a chance he just secretly really loves trains.

Manage the England men’s football team. Feels at least possible there’s going to be a vacancy sooner rather than later. Keir’s experience of being overly defensive and never getting on the front foot while being hated by literally everyone will surely hold him in good stead.

Start a Cameo. Nigel Farage shows you can earn good money over there, purely by being willing to humiliate yourself on demand.

Go on GB News. Ditto.