Elon Musk’s The Odyssey: The Grok Imagine version is here, and it’s terrible

Gladiator meets Mad Max: Fury Road by way of The Football Factory in this high-octane, visually spectacular action-adventure about the ultimate survivor.  

A Disgraced war hero must survive ten years of mythological monsters, seductresses, and a vengeful sea god to get back to his family – only to find his house overrun by heavily armed, manosphere influencers. 

The opening crawl

“O CISgender white Muse, tell me of that man of many ways, who travelled

Far and wide, after he sacked the sacred citadel of Troy”

Scene 1: The Trap on Ogygia

The film opens in a tropical paradise. Odysseus, who doesn’t have PTSD, is staring across the ocean and thinking about the Roman Empire, which he does most days. Calypso dances up to him.

“Hello, Odysseus, it’s been almost seven years. I’ve been meaning to ask, what happened at Troy?”  

Scene 2: Flashback. The Horse

Odysseus is sitting in the belly of a wooden horse that has been brought within the walls of Troy. The belly opens, and warriors pour into the courtyard below and begin to massacre Trojans. 

Using his signature cunning, Odysseus makes for the city gates and presses a hip-height button with a bronze wheelchair engraved on it – it is the disabled access for Troy. As the gates begin to slowly open, more bloodthirsty Greeks storm the citadel and begin to massacre and rape. As the air fills with dust, the clashing of swords and the pathetic woke screams of Trojans, we realise this is a metaphor for societies who prize DEI over STEM. 

Scene 3: Ithaca

Odysseus’s abandoned wife Penelope is warding off hundreds of suitors, all highly trained in pick-up lines from the Hustlers University. She is doing her best, but some of the lines are really good. Can she hold out for 20 years?

Scene 4: The Eye of the Cyclops

Trapped inside a cave with his scouting party, Odysseus faces Polyphemus, a humongous man-eating cyclops. He is suggesting sharpening a giant log to make a wooden stake to kill the one-eyed monster, when one of his sailors says he’d prefer it if they referred to him as a “visually challenged sentient other.” Odysseus lets out an involuntary yell which alerts Polyphemus, who immediately devours several members of his crew.  

“Damn you, Christopher Nolan,” cries Odysseus, before running Polyphemus through with the wooden stake. He then cracks open a can of Monster and says, “That’s not a monster. That’s a Monster.”

Scene 5: Ithaca

Back on Ithaca, the pick-up artists have all started peacocking – wearing loud eccentric clothes, oversized hats and high visibility jewellery, designed to grab attention. Penelope fights back by walking around with her eyes tightly shut so that none of them grabs her attention. It works. 

Despite some bruised shins, none of them manages to spark a spontaneous conversation with her.

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Scene 6: The Wrath of Poseidon

Back on Ogygia, Odysseus is escaping on a makeshift raft. “Why did it take you so long to come up with this incredibly simple plan?” asks Calypso. 

“You used your feminine charm to trap me here,” replies our hero, “but I’ve been secretly hoarding fish oil from mackerel to boost my Omega 3 levels. I drank it all this morning and with my newly elevated testosterone levels, I’ve remembered that we have traditional gender roles for a reason and you can’t hold me here anymore. Stop focusing on your career and make some babies. See you later, love.”

“I do get paid a lot less than the male divine spirits. Maybe I should,” she says. Her words are lost on the wind.

Out at sea, Odysseus is intercepted by his nemesis, Poseidon (played by a historically accurate actor such as David Jason). He is furious about the blinding of his son Polyphemus and conjures an apocalyptic storm that shatters Odysseus’s rudimentary vessel. 

Stranded in the centre of the swirling vortex, fighting against the demented wrath of the furious God, Odysseus looks at the camera, quipping “I suppose they’ll say this is climate change too.”  

Scene 7: Ithaca

To strategically neutralise one another by socially dominating social situations, the loverboys on Ithaca have begun fighting among themselves on a daily basis. There are now regular press-up, Ju-Jitsu and chess competitions. Penelope uses this unexpected free time to yearn for her psychotic husband and set up a new team-building venture – blindfolded archery experiences.  

Scene 8: The Siren’s Illusion

Sailing through a dense sea fret, the crew approaches the Sirens, creatures whose enchanting voices drive sailors to shipwreck and madness. On Odysseus’s orders, his remaining crew plugs their ears with wax, while Odysseus himself is bound to the mast so that he can listen safely.

The songs project nightmarish psychological illusions of Chris Martin and Gary Barlow serenading Penelope with acapella versions of Chas and Dave songs such as Rabbit and Snooker Loopy. As Barlow pours her another glass of his own-brand red wine, Penelope is powerless to resist.

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Scene 9: Scylla’s Strike

Forced to navigate the treacherous strait between the ravenous whirlpool Charybdis or the jagged cliffs of Scylla where the multiheaded sea monster’s necks snatch his men from the decks with terrifying ease, Odysseus has his men build a wooden roof for the boat. It is now a submarine. They pass between Scylla and Charybdis at a safe depth of 100m. 

Scene 10: The beggars return.

Two decades after he left to go and systematically slaughter some Trojans for the sin of being from the same country as someone who had an affair, Odysseus returns to his homeland of Ithaca.  But there is no time to celebrate. 

In scenes reminiscent of The Undercover Boss, he disguises himself as a beggar and goes disguised as an entry-level employee in his own company. He stands at the threshold of the great hall, forced to witness the ruin his estate has fallen into as dozens of drunk, arrogant influencers carouse, abuse his servants and openly plot to steal his throne and his wife, something they somehow haven’t managed to achieve in two decades. Odysseus immediately approves a ban on unapproved corporate entertainment and hospitality spending and lays off 108 suitors with the company bow and arrow. 

As his disguise falls, the gates of the palace doors are slammed shut and the suitors are massacred. During their final exit interviews with Telemachus, they all give the same screamed feedback: “If only there was a disabled access button we could press to escape.” 

Scene 11: The end

The film ends with Odysseus and Penelope holding hands and looking out to sea. “Let’s hope they don’t file a class action lawsuit.”

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