1 Last week, French finance minister Roland Lescure said we’d be welcome back any time. And if there is one guiding principle that has been core to British foreign policy for as long as this country has existed, it’s that we do not cooperate with the French.
2 If we did go back in, Nigel Farage might never shut up.
3 Everyone knows that, once you vote, you never get to change your mind on anything ever again. That’s exactly why Tony Blair and Boris Johnson remain quite so popular to this day.
4 OK, so maybe the polls do say there’s now overwhelming support for returning to the EU. But given the demographic churn that has taken place since 2016, reversing Brexit amounts to disrespecting the dead. Could you ever forgive yourself for that? Could any of us?
5 When the electorate realise we’ll need to join the euro (we won’t*) and Schengen (we don’t**) they’ll go right off the idea.*Sweden. **Ireland.
6 And imagine the backlash if it were to go wrong! Reawakening the forces of reaction could lead to hostility towards foreigners and minority communities, nationalist agitators sticking flags all over the place, far right violence on our streets… Who’d want to live through that?
Suggested Reading
Burnham is already winning the new Brexit wars
7 Are we really going to give up all those brilliant free trade deals, with important partners like the Faroe Islands, Albania and Cameroon, just for a closer relationship with the £15tn economy right next door?
8 An entire generation has grown up without ever having to hear a joke about the bendiness of their banana and it’d be cruel to take that from them.
9 Also, given the state of the British economy, labour and housing markets, there’s a real risk of a mass exodus of today’s twentysomethings to Poland.
10 Actually, having vox-popped everyone we could find on the high street of a certain Essex seaside town at 11am on a Tuesday, we have some questions about the polls. Honestly – we checked the ’Spoons, the greasy spoon, everywhere along the esplanade and we could find no enthusiasm for a return to Brussels whatsoever.
11 If we go back in, we might stop getting all that special treatment from the Trump administration.
12 There are some very convincing anonymous social media accounts monomaniacally posting about how Britain will never actually be allowed to rejoin anyway, and I for one think those are definitely real people and we should take them seriously and believe them.
13 Given our famed national love of queuing it seems perverse to introduce a rule that means we’ll inevitably be doing less of it.
14 The last referendum created Lee Anderson and Mark Francois. Scientists have yet to identify a cure.
15 We’re all older now – are we sure we can still cope with the feverish excitement of reliving stuff like the Malthouse Compromise and Meaningful Vote 2?
16 English has already overtaken French as the union’s primary language, so really, is there actually any point?
17 The Germans want us back in too? Oh come on now, this really is suspicious.
18 Steve Bray is actually really fucking annoying.
19 Everyone remembers the way the parable of the prodigal son ends, with the father beating the crap out of him as a lesson to the rest of the family. Is that what you want?
20 Some of us haven’t even got our blue passports yet!
21 Donald Trump won’t be president for ever, and then everything is going to go back to normal and the western alliance will be totally fine.
22 There’s a whole galaxy of people – not just politicians, but campaigners, analysts, experts, podcasters and, worst of all, columnists – who became public figures based largely on their views of Britain’s relationship with the European Union. Really, do you want to elevate those people again? Do you want to take that risk?
23 Ode to Joy sucks.
