“TURNS OUT, YOU can just dress like that all the time if you want, and no one can actually stop you. I mean some jobsworth might take the sword off you as you go in, but the chain mail, the cape. Drives the ladies wild.”
“TO BE HONEST I actually prefer red wine. Know what it’s like – couple of these and you’re pissing like a bloody racehorse.”
“THE CLEVER THING is that, so long as we don’t accidentally announce it to an undercover journalist, nobody will ever know we’re doing crime.”
“YEAH, A LOT of us call him that actually. But not in, like, a sex way.”
“I MEAN WE can’t prove that they’re secretly a pro-immigration psy-op by the global woke movement, but it is pretty bloody obvious. Look who’s involved in it. Hugh Grant. Doctor Who. No bear is gonna be that nice, marmalade sandwich or no marmalade sandwich.”
“NO, NONE OF us like the obnoxious book-eating little twerp either, but he’s quite good for a retweet.”
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“NO, NOT IN a sex way. I’m a professor of divinity.”
“WHILE WE’RE ON the subject of marmalade, it’s a complete bloody outrage what the wokes did to the jars.”
“THERE WAS A lot of stupid stuff in that manifesto that no one involved would support now, but that’s one that all the boys stand by. It is extremely irritating that they still call it that even though it isn’t a circle any more. Bloody thing goes to Edgware Road twice! Absolutely ridiculous.”
“OF COURSE HE doesn’t really spend any time there, would you? Place is an absolute shithole.”
“OH NO, WE’VE actually got a plan for that. The 28 literal minute she says she’s defecting, we put out a press release denying it – then Nigel will post that it’s actually AI. ‘Listen to the voice,’ he’ll say. ‘No actual prime minister could ever sound that inhuman and awkward’.”
“WHAT IS ‘CRIME’ anyway, really? Has the average voter in Sunderland even heard of it? Have you?”
“NO, WE’RE NOT gonna let her bloody sing.”
“THE THING IS, if you do a proper close reading of the parable of the good Samaritan, if you really look at the words he uses and put them in the context of life in Judea in the first century BC, it’s pretty clear that Jesus actually wants us to send them home.”
“YEAH HE GENUINELY lost a student election to ‘reopen nominations’! He was so unpopular he lost to no one! RON Jenrick, we call him.”
“THERE’S ACTUALLY NOTHING in the Bible to suggest that lying is bad.”
“OF COURSE WE’RE gonna send the body of Napoleon III back to France. We voted out.”
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“OH YEAH, A lot of people misunderstand that. Yeah, it was actually a gate in Jerusalem that was so low that the camels couldn’t pass through. Yeah, Jesus is totally fine with that, too.”
“THE ONLY COURT that really matters is the one on the doorsteps in Clacton.”
“OF COURSE, WE’RE all terrified he’s going to quit. They’re all jostling to position himself as his heir, Richard and Zia and old RON Jenrick. Even Matt, which is pretty bloody funny. But deep down we all know that if Nigel goes this whole thing is completely and utterly fucking fucked.”
“I’M JUST SO desperately lonely.”
