1. In late November, with one eye on his post-politics career, Nigel Farage explains to Fox News viewers that the Democrats are out of touch with the real America and expresses his continuing support for Donald Trump. “He’s still the only president! Can’t argue with the popularity of that!” Voters defect from Reform in droves.
2. The Licenced Taxi Drivers Association launches a campaign to show that the pedestrianisation of Oxford Street has failed by blockading the surrounding streets. Despite furious excitement on X.com, few tube passengers notice.
3. Farage switches strategy, and moves to distance himself from Trump. “I think vice-president Vance was correct to say the war in Iran was a mistake,” he tells Sky. Different voters defect from Reform in droves.
4. After Liz Truss releases a video protesting the “travesty of justice” that Tommy Robinson is facing jail for harassment of journalists, friends of the far right agitator move to distance Robinson from the former PM.
5. Lord Ashcroft releases a poll showing Reform in trouble and the Tories only five points behind Labour. “At last, a true Tory landslide!” splashes the Mail.
6. On December 25, the BBC cuts away from its festive programme to broadcast Nigel Farage’s “Christmas message”. It turns out to be a 28-minute rant about how voters don’t understand how much money he could make elsewhere. “No one can deny he has his finger on the pulse of the nation,” explains Laura Kuenssberg, smiling.
7. In the new year, Reform decides to focus its 2027 local election campaign message on the fact that Andy Burnham wants to rejoin the European Union. Labour poll numbers soar.
8. In March, Farage attempts to regain the initiative by suggesting the election of president Le Pen might actually be in Britain’s interests. More Reform voters defect to the Tories in droves – except for those who defect to Restore, because they hate the French.
9. In the aftermath of disappointing local election results, Zia Yusuf tells Politics Live that voters “rigged the elections” by “reading the news and deciding who to vote for”.
10. In November, GB News gives over an entire edition of Lee Anderson’s Real World to Anderson, dressed from head to toe in a poppy-patterned suit, investigating the case of the “veteran and war hero” arrested for attempting to add a poppy to the Cerne Abbas Giant.
11. As Trump continues to visibly decline, Farage throws his full support behind vice-president JD Vance, describing him as “the only man who can save the English-speaking world”. This becomes a problem in early 2028, when Marco Rubio wins the Republican Party presidential nomination.
12. An increasingly desperate Reform press office begins to brief that Robert Jenrick is planning to defect back to the Conservative Party.
13. New hope for Reform’s vote share, after a Tory “night of the long knives”, when leader Kemi Badenoch throws out a quarter of her parliamentary party following a disagreement over whether the ECHR requires the gender segregation of disabled toilets.
Suggested Reading
23 stupid reasons why Britain should never rejoin the European Union
14. Andy Burnham’s popularity hits the skids after he declines to tell a TikToker whether he prefers Wonderwall to Don’t Look Back in Anger. “DEFINITELY MAYBE, SAYS DITHERING ANDY” screams the Sun.
15. In its final edition before London’s 2028 mayoral election, the Standard gives over pages 1, 2, 5-7, and 12-18 to a special investigation of a Reform dossier suggesting links between Sadiq Khan’s proposed changes to licensing laws on vertical drinking in the Soho area and sharia law. Despite commentators’ confident predictions of an electoral upset, the following week, Khan – who had decided relatively late to stand at all – wins an unprecedented fourth term in a landslide.
16. In the aftermath of the loss, Nigel Farage holds a press conference demanding a public inquiry into who at Meta is preventing Rubio from replying to his WhatsApps.
