Donald Trump and his inner circle are watching the midterm election results in his half-built ballroom. He is seated on a golden throne, legs elevated on a Home Depot workbench. On a giant temporary screen, the numbers begin to move.
“Looking tremendous!” he announces, before anyone can tell him what they mean.
“Sir, James Talarico has just defeated Ken Paxton, he’s the first Democrat to win a Texas Senate seat in 38 years” explains JD Vance, his little legs swinging from his vantage point on a scaffold tower.
“That doesn’t make sense. Elon spent $200m on that race.”
“And we go live now to Kansas where Adam Hamilton has just broken a 94-year streak and become the first Democrat senator since 1932,” announces Fox News anchor, Brit Hume.
“Hang on, I told them to vote like I was on the ballot” says Trump.
“I think that was the problem,” murmurs Marco Rubio.
“What’s going on?” asks Kid Rock, reclining beneath a cloud of Havana cigar smoke, on a pallet of gold paint.
“Good question, Kid. Susie? What’s going on?” asks the president.
“Sir, polling suggests that voters have become preoccupied with the cost of living, which has of course risen since Operation Epic Fury.”
“Right. But don’t they know about my Arc de Trump?”
“The ordinary American is of course thrilled about getting an Arc de Trump,” replies Susie Wiles.
“And this ballroom” he interrupts, proudly gesturing at the half-finished room.
“Yes, sir, taxpayers are aware they’re on the hook to the tune of $400m for White House renovation projects. They do, of course, also like to eat.”
Stephen Miller walks in and kicks over a tin of gold paint. “Oh my God. Abdul El-Sayed has just won in Michigan.”
“A very beautiful man,” says Trump. “People are saying wonderful things.”
“Sir. He’s a Democrat.”
Pete Hegseth’s face rises into view as he completes another chin-up on the scaffold tower. “And a Muslim.”
“Total disaster. Very nasty man.” Trump reaches for his Diet Coke, but finding it empty, hands it to a confused electrician.
An aide gestures at Wiles from the door. After a brief conversation, Wiles approaches the president.
“Erm, Mr President, Melania was wondering if she could knock off early tonight?”
“Absolutely not.” He pauses. “Wait, she’s not after another raise, is she?”
“No, it’s… erm, I’m told there’s a new series of The White Lotus.”
“Tell her ‘no’ and that she’s on standby. She needs to get her ass ready. We’re probably going to have to do a victory photo shoot later.”
Team members exchange glances. The ensuing silence is interrupted by the sound of a pneumatic drill behind the presidential podium.
“I’m trying to win an election here. Can we get that drilling stopped, Susie?
“Like we did in Iran?” quips Rubio.
JD Vance sniggers.
“What’s funny JD?”
The 2028 presidential hopeful’s legs stop swinging and he suddenly finds something very interesting on the floor.
“Because you know I’ve still got the photos.”
“Nothing, sir.”
“Good, I need you to get on Hannity and explain all this to the country.”
“And there,” says Hume, “we have confirmation; the Democrats have taken the Senate.”
“Taken the Senate?” repeats Trump. “From who? We had it. It was ours. When did Fox go communist?”
“This is how elections work, sir,” explains Wiles.
“Bullshit!” shouts Kid Rock, launching a can of Bud Lite at a man pushing a gold wheelbarrow.
Behind the podium, two workmen chat as they struggle with a length of scaffolding.
“Yo, they’re calling him a lame duck.”
“Lamé duck” corrects the other. They both burst out laughing.
Trump turns sharply.
“Susie, what are they saying?”
“Nothing, sir. They’re just roughneck American construction workers.”
“Fire them both. And their foreman. Then delete their social security records. And find out who told them I’m a duck.”
“Yes, Mr President.”
“You know, Kanye came up to me earlier and he said, ‘Sir, if you were running in these midterms, it would be a clean sweep’ and I said, ‘Kanye, Ye, incredible name. You see everyone only has one scoop of ice cream? I always have two. That’s why they call me ‘Two Scoops.’ But she, he, Kanye, Ye, great person, he tells me the television is too loud. I tell him ‘no, the radical left anchor is yelling.’”
On the screen, Brit Hume is quietly discussing the possibility of a Democratic majority in both chambers.
“JD, why aren’t you on Fox yet? This is very bad television. Their ratings must be down. The networks should be giving me a percentage of their ad revenue just for watching. I want some winners. Americans want winners.”
“Maybe we should say something about listening to the American people,” says Wiles.
“I am listening to them. They’re very loud. They keep complaining about things. Nobody complained when I built the greatest economy in the history of the world.”
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Is this the real reason Trump keeps falling asleep in public?
He turns to her, suddenly suspicious. “Wait a minute, Susie. Is this your way of admitting you didn’t tell the Kansans about my Arc?”
“No sir.”
“Good, then write this out for Truth social:
‘The FAKE NEWS MEDIA, all-caps, is having a field day with the so-called midterm results. TOTAL DISGRACE! all-caps, nobody has ever seen anything like this. The Democrats are celebrating but they have NO BALLROOM, NO ARC, AND NO GOLD all-caps. SAD. All caps.’”
A large map of the United States appears on the 85-inch TV screen. The president stands up and begins drawing new boundary lines directly onto the glass with a Sharpie to “correct” the states that have gone the wrong way.
“Sir, that’s a map of the weather forecast,” observes Wiles.
Trump pauses.
“OK. We’re going to need to have a recount. A very big recount. And a bigger arc. And a bigger ballroom. And a new electorate. With better voters.”
More world exclusives by Henry Morris are on his Substack
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