Please Zack Polanski, never ever speak French again

As it turns out: terrible. Catastrophique. Polanski very obviously does not speak French and had to rely on some sort of phonetics-based system to get through his little campaigning stunt, however – and this is a crucial point – whoever came up with the phonetics for the video clearly did not speak French either.

As I peeled my shoulders off my ears at the end of the video, I reflected on the fact that, in a way, I’d only got what I deserved. After all, how much time have I spent swooning at Zohran Mamdani speaking all manners of languages, from an impressively spotless Mandarin to a charmingly janky Spanish? How many times did I think, “oh, if only British politicians could do the same”? I was given what I’d long thought I desired and lo, I had to live with my own shortcomings.

At least I was more or less alone in finding that cringe à la française to be unbearable. Instead, swathes of the press and the green benches focused on another video Polanski released – this time in Urdu. “Zack Polanski’s Urdu campaign video sums up everything wrong with modern politics”, screeched the Telegraph. “The Greens’ sectarian politicking reveals a democracy corroded by multiculturalism,” Spiked added frothingly.

Going even further, Conservative shadow communities secretary Katie Lam took to Elon Musk’s X to argue that “attempting to appeal to group-based grievances by campaigning in foreign languages is poisonous. We must ban this practice for good. Politics in our country should be conducted in the language of public life.”

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Finally – and perhaps most worryingly – business secretary Jonathan Reynolds told Times Radio that “it’s very important, when you think about cohesion, to make sure that everyone can participate in an election,” and that his views had “hardened” on the need for campaign literature to solely be in English.

Now, there won’t be any prizes for guessing why a language spoken mostly by Pakistani people proved more controversial than one which, while used across the world by millions, is mostly known in Britain for its association with France. Still, it really is worth mentioning the contrasting reactions, as there is a hypocrisy here which must be laid bare.

Clearly, the issue isn’t that Polanski is trying to reach out to people in a different language in general: it’s that he’s attempting to appeal to non-white communities specifically. The argument that politicians shouldn’t use words everyone can understand is nothing more than a fig leaf, especially in an era when tech can seamlessly translate anything into anything. 

MPs are usually celebrated for speaking multiple languages, and this shouldn’t be any different. Well, not that Polanski actually does speak any other languages, as far as I can tell, but the point still stands.

Another hypocrisy worth highlighting is that none of the MPs and journalists who criticised the video have ever campaigned for better, cheaper and more accessible English lessons for those who need them. If you hate the idea of people, somewhere in Britain, not speaking English properly, yet refuse to find ways to make those people get better acquainted with the language, then you’re advocating for… what, exactly? 

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These are British people, living here, voting in elections and paying their taxes like everyone else. Shaking your little fist at vowels you can’t parse and refusing to do anything else just doesn’t make any sense.

It was also an especially nonsensical line of attack in this context, as there are vanishingly few Urdu speakers in Holborn and St Pancras, and only a teeny, tiny minority of voters in the constituency struggle with English. If one wanted to attack Polanski, then charges of not having done his homework in any way would have been both more accurate and considerably less offensive. 

Oh, and a few lines on his atrocious French pronunciation would have been welcome as well, but I guess you can’t have everything.