Has no-one told Kemi Badenoch that “Paddington” is not an insult?

This was it. Kemi Badenoch’s first leader’s speech at Tory conference since Andy Burnham became prime minister. What devastating soundbites would her team of speechwriters come up with so the self-styled “badass” could skewer the Labour leader with her brand of self-styled “Kemistry”.

The fact that Burnham was appointed PM by a handful of MPs rather than the public? The fact that his chancellor has yet to confirm whether defence spending will reach 3%? Something that would finally expose the amiable northerner as the uniquely sinister threat to the nation that Tory strategists have spent the past few months warning us about.

No. They went with something far more cutting. An insult so terrible we can barely stand to repeat it…

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After drawing attention to Burnham’s “fluttering eyelashes” (what a shot!) and pointing out that he likes pork scratchings (another good one!), Badenoch landed the killer blow: Andy Burnham is “a Paddington Bear prime minister”.

Because nothing is guaranteed to turn public opinion against a politician quite like comparing him to one of Britain’s most beloved fictional characters.

Why did Badenoch do it? Surely not just for a lame “Paddington Burnham” joke? Has she never read or watched one of the resilient little chap’s adventures?

Is she not aware that according to YouGov’s poll of British adults, Paddington is viewed favourably by 64% of us, compared to a poor 23% for Kemi Badenoch herself? Did she not consider that (according to the same survey), Britons rate the first Paddington film as the 10th greatest movie ever made, one place above Schindler’s List (and one below Monsters Inc)?

Britain’s saccharine obsession with the diminutive Peruvian can be nauseating at times, but it is also pretty much undeniable. Remember when he had marmalade sandwiches with Queen Elizabeth II, and there was suddenly something in the nation’s eye?

Remember when a judge condemned two vandals who had desecrated a Paddington statue by describing them as “the antithesis of everything Paddington stands for”? The bear’s moral authority knows no bounds.

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The fact that Badenoch seems to think being Paddington-like is an insult, coupled with some of her other, colder character traits, only makes her sound like a villain from a Paddington movie. Presumably one who spends the second act trying to steal his duffel coat and the third attempting to have Aunt Lucy turned into a rug.

I’ve got some more excellent ideas for the SpAds down at Tory HQ, should they wish to continue this winning strategy across the rest of the cabinet. How about calling Angela Rayner “the new Princess Diana”? Or describing Ed Miliband as “a David Attenborough foreign secretary”? Perhaps Shabana Mahmood could be branded as “the Mary Berry of the Home Office”?

Will Labour ever recover from these savage blows? And will Kemi give her advisers a hard stare when her kids explain that Paddington is actually one of the good guys?