Andy Burnham
Favourite cardinal compass point: North.
Pro
Has said his priority will be to reverse Brexit; if victorious in Makerfield will have proved that, as the most popular man in the Labour Party, he can beat Reform in a tight election and thus positioned himself as the best hope of preventing Nigel Farage reaching Downing Street.
Con
Has now said his priority will not be to reverse Brexit; might be about to prove that literally nobody can prevent Farage reaching Downing Street.
Wes Streeting
Vibe: Haunted ventriloquist’s dummy, cursed by a wizard to serve as president of the National Union of Students.
Pro
Enthusiastic support and longstanding backing by senior Labour power broker and tastemaker Peter Mandelson.
Con
Oh, no.
Angela Rayner
Top “people also asked” suggestion on Google at time of writing: “Has Angela Rayner ever worked?”*
Pro
The idea that a girl can leave school aged 16, with no qualifications and pregnant, yet despite raising a child as a single mother still rise through the ranks of public service and trade unionism to become a serious candidate to be prime minister, is surely the greatest imaginable expression of the power Labour values have to genuinely change lives.
Con
This is, unfortunately, Britain. Anyway, she’s ginger.
Al Carns
First came to attention through: Fanfic written by backbenchers who say Al, a former Royal Marine, makes them feel all funny.
Pro
Hardest man ever to serve as parliamentary under-secretary of state for veterans and people. Can definitely get the lid off that jar.
Con
Increases security risk of the UK prime minister being targeted by the sort of jokes normally reserved for Chuck Norris. Also, given the way he looks, it is at least possible this is just the latest ploy to seduce women from the Neil Patrick Harris character in How I Met Your Mother.
Ed Miliband
Most famous political emotion: Respect.
Con
Would never be allowed to eat in public ever again, potentially causing issues at state dinners. Also likely to trigger an immediate demand for a general election from the sort of good-faith media outlets who would definitely not make that claim otherwise, oh no siree.
Pro
The guy we should have picked at the last election before it all went wrong coming back in and fixing everything would make for such a satisfying narrative arc in the history books.
Peter Mandelson
Rate card: Available on request.
Con
Thin-skinned, electorally toxic, famously venal, friends with the worst people on earth, and would break the convention that in a democratic age you can’t be prime minister from the Lords.
Pro
Look, we’ve got to find him a job somewhere, apparently, and we’ve tried everywhere else.
Yvette Cooper
Greatest political asset: Highly unlikely to ever face a hardball interview on the Good Morning Britain sofa.
Pro
It’s about time the Labour Party elected a woman – and she’s been talked about as a possible future leader for over a decade!
Con
The Labour Party will literally hold a civil war and risk losing both an unnecessary by-election and the Greater Manchester mayoralty to avoid electing a woman. Anyway, she’s been talked about as a possible future leader for bloody decades.
Suggested Reading
Thirty more questions that Keir Starmer didn’t think to ask
The tub of lard that stood in for Roy Hattersley on a 1993 episode of Have I Got News for You
Favourite early 90s dance funk/house number: Groove Is in the Heart, by Deee-Lite.
Pro
Not obviously slower to react to political challenges than Keir Starmer.
Con
Almost certainly worse for your cholesterol levels. Anyway, failed to plan ahead by marrying a convenient TV show host.
The late Clement Attlee
Ashes interred at: The Nave at Westminster Abbey, thus increasing the party’s chances of retaining the Cities of London and Westminster at the next general election.
Pro
Would make a change to have a prime minister who isn’t just metaphorically a dead man walking.
Con
None whatsoever.
*Not actually a joke. This country is a curse.
