Last week, “President” Donald J Trump promised a Republican convention that every American adult would receive $5,000 if the Republicans win November’s mid-terms, a plan that is as uncontroversially legal as it is definitely real. Following conversations with top MAGA insiders, however, The New World can exclusively reveal other plans to swing these difficult elections being discussed in the White House even now.
1. Offer every voter $6,000 if the Republicans win.
2. Tell everyone that, if the Republicans don’t win, the president will only take it out on Baron.
3. Announce the president has personally won the war on drugs.
4. Promise everyone that if the Republicans do win, the president will take it out on Vance.
5. Implement the plan, explicitly permitted by the Joint Resolution of Annexation of 1845, to split Texas into five states – then gerrymander every one of them.
6. Propose new federal ban on prestige drama series going more than 18 months between seasons, with the inevitable result that you can’t remember who the hell anyone is or what they are doing.
7. Offer every voter $10,000 if the Republicans win.
8. Raise the voting age to 72, simultaneously both improving the GOP’s chances of victory and cutting the price of the aforementioned programme.
9. Launch an unexpected and unprecedented special military operation to exfiltrate the premier of Ontario.
10. Announce that the other 49 states are to unilaterally cede from Minnesota.
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11. Rename the Mississippi-Missouri River system the America River. (Easier to spell.)
12. Promise every voter one free hit on Kash Patel.
13. Announce the president has personally launched a war on Elon Musk. (This one might actually work.)
14. Spend another $13m on tarting up that reflecting pool. They can’t mess it up again, right?
15. Another photo op with Zohran Mamdani.
16. “Thing is, I’m really incredibly rich. Everybody knows it. The Democrats? Not so rich. That’s just the way it is.”
17. Install new, more compliant pope in Avignon.
18. Announce that the America River is now the longest in the world.
19. Offer every voter A MILLION DOLLARS.
20. One lucky Republican voter to get free holiday in Mar-a-Lago. You’ve gotta be in it to win it!
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21. Have Trump announce the doctrine of presidential infallibility, then say he’s definitely going to win.
22. “You get a car! And you get a car! And YOU get a car!”
23. Republican voters to get federal dispensation to see Avengers: Doomsday without doing several weeks of homework first.
24. Pass law guaranteeing all Democratic voters a free copy of Melania on DVD.
25. Channel Richard Nixon by spontaneously announcing “I am NOT a crook!” in the middle of the minute’s silence at an event for fallen veterans of the Iran war.
26. Distribute momentarily convincing footage of Republicans winning, and hope nobody bothers to count the fingers.
27. Announce plans for Taylor Sheridan to make four more shows about cowboys feeling emotions in Wyoming.
28. But her emails.
29. Blame high oil prices on Volodymyr Zelensky. (Really, he’s actually tried this one.)
30. Hold press conference outlining proposals to reduce queues at polling stations by encouraging Democrats to vote on Wednesday.
31. Release Mitch McConnell.
32. Get Trump to repeat Nixon’s entire, election-swinging “Checkers speech”.
33. Just tell everyone you won the election.
34. Ask Supreme Court to invalidate the results.
35. Blame Joe Biden.
36. When all else fails, just pay a couple of lucky Democratic legislators to switch sides.
