Another forensic examination by the Daily Express’s Martyn Brown-Nose

Under the ‘EXCLUSIVE’ banner, Brown marvelled how spending a day with the Turquoise Tory leader “is an intoxicating assault on the senses. It tests your stamina to the limit and puts your constitution through the kind of ordeal that only the hardiest can withstand.

“Astronauts aboard the Artemis II Moon mission have been training for years for the rigours of this latest history-making lunar flight. But I bet they’d struggle to do a day on the campaign trail with the Reform UK leader. He, however, takes it all in his stride.”

Suggested Reading

Don’t speak to any media except GB News, Reform tells new councillors

Rats in a Sack

Now Kemi Badenoch has subjected herself to Brown’s journalistic rigour and got the same adulatory treatment, the report being headlined ‘She’s funny, engaging and doesn’t duck the questions – when I met Kemi’.

“Kemi was as charming as ever, first chatting to business owners on the small High Street, before answering my questions in the back seat of the cab,” reports a wide-eyed Brown as he joined the Conservative leader on the campaign trail in Croydon.

“The Tory leader has a bit of a reputation for being combative or abrasive, but in my numerous meetings with her it has been quite the opposite.She’s funny, engaging and, most importantly, doesn’t duck any questions and gives straight answers.

“As we set up for the interview, I ask if she is exhausted with all the campaigning – clearly putting my foot in it. ‘Do I look tired,’ she responds, somewhat concerned. Taking my foot out of my mouth, I quickly say ‘no,no,no’ – she looks impeccable, for the record.”

Suggested Reading

The right wing campaign to cancel Misan Harriman continues

Rats in a Sack

During the interview, Brown reports, they “rattle through everything from Keir Starmer’s future, to her hopes for her party, the pensions Triple Lock, Brexit and political rivals Nigel Farage and Zack Polanski”.

Alas, though, space constraints prevent him from printing a single answer Badenoch gave on any of these topics, limiting him to printing just one. 

“What about music, what’s on the Badenoch playlist, I ask, spotting her headphones nearby.

“‘Lots of Taylor Swift,’ she says. ‘Stay, Stay, Stay, London Boy and the Romeo and Juliet one, Love Story’.” Another scoop for the Express man, after he boasted of finding out from his Farage interview that his party members thought he was terrific. “After exchanging pleasantries and goodbyes the Tory leader headed off onto her next destination,” he concludes. “Within minutes the area was back to relative peace and quiet again and I jumped on the next 327.”

Not for nothing have his unkind colleagues nicknamed this forensic examiner Martyn Brown-Nose.