Satire

MITCH BENN assesses whether Boris’ fixation has moved from Churchill to Bannon. Two thoughts on the topic of freedom of speech: 1. Boris Johnson is perfectly within his rights to say whatever he wants about burqas. 2. The rest of us are perfectly within our rights to call Boris Johnson a reckless, shameless attention-craving, trouble-stirring, […]

Steve Anglesey looks at online reaction as Britain’s food shops prepare for a no-deal Brexit. Thank goodness for the earlier football transfer deadline! This self-inflicted wound, which disadvantages English teams while Europeans can still trade freely, has provided welcome relief from the problems of Brexit. But before we were obsessed with the transfer market, we […]

STEVE ANGLESEY introduces the drink Leavers will cheer… until they read the bottle Not to everyone’s taste, but intoxicating to some and the cause of many headaches and much regret later on. It seems like whiskey and Brexit were made for each other. So thirsty Leavers will no doubt be cheering the arrival of Brexit […]

Comedian MITCH BENN looks forward to how we can all spend our first summer after leaving the EU Hi! I hope you’re all enjoying your final pre-Brexit summer! Oh, were you trying not to think about that? Yeah, me too. Sorry. Well, chin up! Brexit isn’t the end of the world! Not LITERALLY, anyway. Economically […]

Piers Morgan is mistaken, we’re not jealous about his interview with Donald Trump, it’s cozying up with the president which worries us, writes Mitch Benn. OK; I’m going to do something now which, I suspect, many of you may not entirely approve of. I’m going to give Piers Morgan the benefit of the doubt. In […]

Why we don’t have to drive over the cliff like Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon. Ok, time out. Cool your boots. Easy, tiger. Whoa there. Hang fire. Take five. Hold your horses. Phrase it any damn way you want to but please, for the love of whatever it is you pray to, just STOP. ENOUGH. […]

The People’s Vote march received just the kind of snarky criticism we have all come to expect, says MITCH BENN. Like many of you in body and all of you in spirit, I imagine, I spent Saturday last taking part in what became known as the People’s Vote March, and have the badly sunburnt ever-expanding […]

STEVE ANGLESEY rounds up the losers and the losers (because their are no winners) of another crazy seven days on Planet Brexit 10 LIAM FOX The international trade secretary celebrated ‘Thank A Teacher’ day with a video praising his old schoolmistress, Patsy Watt. Created with all the care and attention for which Liam Fox is […]

As the World Cup kicks off in Russia, MITCH BENN is inspired by David Beckham’s never-give-up attitude to his England career. The World Cup is upon us again; I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem to be capturing the public’s imagination quite so inescapably as on previous occasions. Perhaps the genial madness attending […]

However much hardship a straight white guy may have to deal with, there are whole worlds of hardship he’ll never experience, says MITCH BENN. Something which most outwardly progessive-thinking people can generally be expected to agree upon is the principle of the level playing field. This is, of course, the idea that a person should […]

STEVE ANGLESEY rounds up the losers and losers (because there are no winners) of another crazy seven days on Planet Brexit 10 NIGEL FARAGE The nicotine-stained man-frog managed to give Fox News a pre-royal wedding tour of Westminster without a) correcting host Ainsley Earhardt when she introduced him as ‘basically royalty… you’re the man responsible […]

The American obsession with guns fails to stop dangerous obsessions with fantasies, says MITCH BENN. Something has to change to stop those fantasies becoming reality. I’m about to make what may or may not be a startling admission. See what you think. I had, all things considered, a pretty happy time at school. I guess […]

STEVE ANGLESEY picks the losers and the losers – because there are no winners – from another week on Planet Brexit STRIPPER ‘KIPPERS A plotline worthy of EastEnders in the East Anglian resort of Great Yarmouth, where the sole remaining UKIP councillor has defected after claiming the party’s home affairs spokesman said his partner looked […]

Comedian, musician and writer Mitch Benn discusses the similarities between Avenger’s character Thanos, and a certain MP. I don’t know what your favourite thing is about this newspaper. Perhaps it’s the publication’s mere existence, a printed voice of sanity in the maelstrom of blimpish Brexit lunacy which otherwise dominates the newsstands. Perhaps it’s the cast […]

Young men are railing against the unfairness of the womenfolk of the world’s refusal to have sex with them. MITCH BENN sends them a public message. I’ve been thinking, as it would appear have quite a few columnists of late, about the whole ‘incel’ thing. Now ‘incel’, if you are fortunate enough to have avoided […]

In the fallout of Michelle Wolf’s set at the White House correspondent’s dinner Mitch Benn explores the potholes of a misunderstood joke. It’s quite the week to be in the comedy business, and in particular the political comedy business. The fall out from Michelle Wolf’s set at the White House correspondents’ dinner continues to rain […]

In this week’s column, Mitch Benn explores who should be held accountable for the Windrush scandal. One of my favourite things about this job is that it’s never really been specified to me precisely what this job is. I know that I attracted the attention of the good folk here at New European Towers soon […]

So. Yeah. Easter. Bit of a weird one. For all that Easter is in many ways the direct counterpart festival to Christmas, the yin to Yuletide’s yang, as it were, it’s always been very much the junior partner. It’s just not as big a deal, for all that in theological terms the two festivals ‘bookend’ […]

It is time to face the fact that Washington’s ‘special relationship’ is now with Moscow, writes MITCH BENN. There’s an inherent risk in writing on the topic of the many and varied scandals and intrigues which currently beset the Trump administration; that is, by the time you publish something, it is a pretty safe bet […]

MITCH BENN examines tweets from an organisation that claims to be returning conservatism to the grassroots A tweet appeared a few days ago from the group Activate UK; this organisation describes its objective in its Twitter ‘bio’ as ‘Creating a united platform for young conservatives and returning power to the grassroots’. Leaving aside the slightly […]

MITCH BENN has taken the words of David Davis to heart and is now ready for dystopia. Like, I imagine, a lot of you, I’ve been spending this week stocking up on crossbow bolts, carefully removing one sleeve from my old black leather bike jacket, and fitting my Toyota Aygo’s engine with an illegal nitrous […]

Steve Anglesey names the worst Brexiteers of the week MALCOLM PARKER Tweeting under the handle @mbiranek, this lesser-known Brexiteer declared: ‘We want our sovereignty back from the unelected EU baccarats.’ Readers of a certain age will be unable to stop themselves singing ‘Yes sir, I can Brexit, but I need a certain song…’ THERESA MAY […]

STEVE ANGLESEY names the worst Brexiteers of the week. JOHN REES-EVANS More bad luck for the UKIP deserter who once famously claimed he had prevented a gay donkey from raping his horse. First, his new Democrats And Veterans party have chosen the abbreviation D&V – which turns out to be medical shorthand for ‘diarrhoea and […]

Steve Anglesey names the worst Brexiteers of the week. Nigel Farage was told to ‘go back to where you came from’ by a heckler in Dublin. Picture: Yui Mok/PA Wire – Credit: PA 10 JOHN REES-EVANS The failed UKIP leadership candidate whose manifesto advocated a new social media network for Kippers – he should have […]

Mitch Benn uses his most tortuous analogy yet to explain why he is not rejoicing over UKIP’s downfall. As I lurch ever further into sullen middle age (notched up another birthday this week; growing old sucks, but let’s face it, it beats the alternative) I find myself taking refuge in nostalgia. BBC Four is rather […]

Steve Anglesey picks out the losers and losers from another week on Planet Brexit – where there are no winners. Rosetta Tickner This Brexiteer Twitter user was outraged by the news that McVitie’s are cutting the number of Digestives in a pack by seven after the falling pound made ingredients more expensive. ‘Aldi & Lidl […]

How much more can Donald Trump say before the US labels him a racist? MITCH BENN investigates So, the American people, the western media and the human race in general have spent the last few days reeling from the shock revelation that the man who opened his Presidential run by announcing that ‘Mexicans are rapists’; […]

Steve Anglesey ​picks out the losers and losers from another week on Planet Brexit – where there are no winners. Andy Pemberton News that Donald Trump won’t be visiting the UK after all has caused heartbreak in the Tendring peninsula, where former UKIP councillor Andy Pemberton was leading a one-man bid to lure the deranged […]

Steve Anglesey counts down the worst Brexiteers of the week NEIL HAMILTON ‘We are looking forward to welcoming our new team member, Mandy Jones into the group,’ beamed UKIP’s Welsh leader on December 29, having won a long-running fight to get rival Nathan Gill to resign from the Welsh Assembly. Just 10 days later, after […]

STEVE ANGLESEY counts down the worst Brexiteers of the week. BILL ETHERIDGE The West Midlands UKIP MEP believes he has uncovered a secret EU ruse to form an Olympic superteam at the 2036 Games in a cunning bid to out-medal Team GB. Etheridge told the Telegraph he had overheard plotters ‘using the word solidarity, which […]

The big guns – Boris, DD, Farage – all had pleasingly tricky years. But here STEVE ANGLESEY picks out 20 unsung zeroes who brought their side of the argument into even bigger disrepute. 20. FRANCIS BASHIR Leader of the Royal Disciple Church, a Pakistani Christian sect which worships Nigel Farage. Congregants believe that the nicotine-stained […]

MITCH BENN asks whether the likes of David Davis and Donald Trump have decided that shame is a sign of weakness. First of all, some sort of apology is order; I have been laid low with bloke-flu since last we spoke. It seems to be one of those annoying colds which wipes you out completely […]