It’s tiny violins time for William Sitwell, the food writer and Telegraph columnist, who last year went poacher-turned-gamekeeper and opened his own restaurant in Somerset, the White Hart. His eatery is suffering in the new year – and it’s all down to his bête noire, those pesky vegans.
In a heart-tugging piece headlined ‘My restaurant might not survive Veganuary’, Sitwell hits out at those who shun animal products for a month, urging them to think of the likes of an Eton-educated heir presumptive to the Sitwell baronetcy just trying to make a buck in this harsh world.
“If you dabble in the fetish that is veganism in the next few weeks, you should also understand that the problem we have in hospitality is not one of morals but margin,” he bemoans in a piece illustrated with a picture of him with his head in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other.
“Aside from the time it takes a chef to prepare a separate menu, untarnished by the horror of meat, dairy or the best work of a bee, there is only so much one can charge for a turnip. People get outraged at the cost of a ‘cauliflower steak’ but, really, it should cost more than a real steak because of the time it takes to faff with the produce to create something worthy of a centrepiece.
“To help me survive the coming weeks, please, for God’s sake, when you come into the White Hart, bring some meat eaters and thirsty alcoholics with you.”
Suggested Reading
Kemi Badenoch, a burger and a perplexing analogy
Still, it’s understandable vegans might not be desperate to help Sitwell in his struggle. The writer once edited the influential Waitrose Food magazine, but was forced to resign in 2018 after writing in a bizarrely aggressive email to a freelance writer that he would like to see a series on “killing vegans, one by one”.
Meanwhile, Sitwell has another problem – cancelling his membership of Reform. Despite being a long-time member of the Conservative Party, a while back he also joined Nigel Farage’s Turquoise Tories as a “a knee-jerk, sort of ‘how dare they, someone’s got to do something, it can’t go on like this’ reaction” to something he now can’t remember.
Now, though, he has “gained some clarity in recent months. Kemi Badenoch is on the rise. I’ve relished her eviscerating the prime minister at the dispatch box and still rave at her post-Budget performance. Her media interviews have been impressive and she is, to my mind, increasingly sound”.
But alas! “Try as I might, I can’t unsubscribe. It doesn’t appear on my banking app as a ‘scheduled’ or ‘recurring’ payment and, no disrespect to Nigel, I’ve had to resort to disputing the transaction with my bank as an unauthorised extraction of funds from my account.” This isn’t even the first time this has happened – he’s also still lumbered with a Discovery+ subscription after signing up just to watch Meet the Rees-Moggs, Sir Jacob’s largely unwatched and since cancelled reality series.
Won’t someone please think of poor William at this time of year?
Most popular
It’s time for a European army
The press that thinks it’s the opposition
Why I took a ‘fucking bitch’ banner to the Renee Good vigil
Robert Jenrick, the hollow man
