Express reports inflation drop in its own unique style

Desperate to reassure its remaining readers, that, yes, Britain is indeed going to Hell in a handcart, the Daily Express reacted to news that inflation had fallen sharply in characteristic style.

“GB News halts for major breaking news as Rachel Reeves is humiliated again”, ran its online headline focusing, curiously, not on the drop to 3.2% itself but the fact that its favourite TV channel had to change its ticker bar to accommodate it.

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“It is still a long way off from the existing UK government inflation target of 2%,” intoned Alexandra Bullard, the paper’s senior showbiz reporter tasked with analysing the breaking economic news. And it isn’t – although no serious commentator expects that to be hit anytime soon, a modest drop from 3.6% to 3.5% being most City economists’ more optimistic forecasts.

Fortunately Bullard was able to file through her Rolodex and find one commentator able to provide a negative take on what would appear to be good news for the chancellor.. er, “one fan on X”, who had posted on the platform that: “Well my food bill certainly hasn’t decreased neither have my bills please enlighten me! Does anyone else think these figures are fiddled with? We certainly can’t trust the Labour loving Bank of England that’s for sure.”

And just in case that wasn’t robust enough, the paper’s website featured a self-selecting and entirely non-scientific poll asking its readers “Is Rachel Reeves capable of improving the UK economy?” At the last time of checking, it had achieved the presumably desired North Korea-style figures of 1% yes, 99% no. Although still a long way off the existing Daily Express target of 100%.