‘Operation Epic Fury – as it happened’

08:52

President Trump releases a video address confirming the attack.

“A short time ago, the United States began major combat operations in Iran. Our objective is to defend the American people from the very imminent threat posed by the Epstein files.”

09:17

Hegseth confirms that fire, brimstone and pictures of Christina Aguilera are raining down on Iranian targets.

“Any red-blooded Iranian who encounters a picture of Dirrty-era Christina and doesn’t immediately try and topple the regime is a sworn enemy of Uncle Sam.”

10:29

The UK grinds to a halt with concern for Dubai-based patriot Isabel Oakeshott after Iran launches missiles at the UAE. 

10:42

Red Crescent officials report that 153 people have been killed at a girl’s boarding school in the town of Minab in Hormozgan province. Capt Buzz Studebaker, spokesperson for US Central Command, said:

“We take these reports seriously and we’re looking into them but ultimately, we need to ask why these young girls were seeking to get educated in Iran at a time when Donald Trump is fighting for his political life.”

11:08

Al Jazeera reports attacks on facilities linked to US forces across the region. Watching live with his generals in Mar-a-Lago, President Trump experiences a chronic bone spurs flare-up after getting too close to their military uniforms. He names Kid Rock as “Acting Commander-in-Chief” while he goes to recover on the golf course.

11:32

On an emergency recording of The Moral Maze, Melanie Philips accuses Benjamin Netanyahu of “egregious antisemitism” after he orders the closure of Israeli schools and workplaces: “Anyone pandering to this Islamist aggression may as well be a member of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard themselves.”

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12:14

Karoline Leavitt addresses concerns that Donald Trump doesn’t have a long-term strategic plan by announcing that David Hasselhoff will be Iran’s next Supreme Leader.

“In repeated AI simulations, The Hoff is the only person on earth who scores consistently across Persian, Azerbaijani and Kurdish demographics.”

12:27

Reports emerge that Hegseth’s Signal chat has grown to 247 participants after he accidentally shares an invite link with his HYROX training group.

1:12

With the future of the planet on a knife edge, and Kid Rock riding around on a Harley Davidson and only communicating in song lyrics from American Badass, unease grows among the press pool at Mar-a-Lago.

12:51

Reuters reports disruption to oil shipping through the Strait of Hormuz. The White House immediately denies this, stating:

“That doesn’t sound like a real place.”

13:48

A mayday signal is received from the USS Abraham Lincoln, flagship of the strike group in the Arabian Sea, after David Hasselhoff begins performing the Baywatch theme tune, I’m Always Here, on the bridge.

13:53

At an Ashfield recruiting office, an excited Lee Anderson is refused permission to enlist in the RAF as an ICBM.

14:34

Zarah Sultana announces on X that the attacks are blatant “US imperialist aggression.”

15:07

Jeremy Corbyn releases a counterstatement on X calling the attacks “Aggressive US imperialism.”

15:31

Zarah Sultana and Jeremy Corbyn release a joint Your Party statement calling for the immediate formation of a steering committee to explore the feasibility of drafting a consultation paper outlining whether the US is being imperially aggressive or aggressively imperial.

16:05

Benjamin Netanyahu addresses the world’s media. A cynical and wicked mass-murderer, he also tells the press that Ayatollah Khomeini is dead.

16:29

A bipartisan group in Congress demands more clarity on the strategic objective. Pete Hegseth responds with a thirty-second video of himself bench pressing 220lbs.

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16:50

In an expression of solidarity with their American counterparts, verified footage coming out of Tehran shows ordinary Iranians burning pictures of Kid Rock in the street and clamouring for regime change in the far-flung country.

17:17

The first British casualty of the conflict occurs when Tommy Robinson attempts to start a holy war against Muslims by burning a Bhagavad Gita outside a Gurdwara in Dudley, but after igniting the Chinese-made polyester George Cross flag in which he’s draped, he has to visit A&E instead.

17:25

After carding a world record 54 on the golf course, and granting the Iranians more of what they want by relieving Kid Rock of his posting, President Trump files a £2 billion lawsuit against the BBC after news bulletin footage of him telling Iranians to mount an insurrection is edited to make him sound coherent.

17:36

The Bank of England announces that the UK economy is weathering the economic storm. This is largely due to buoyant consumer confidence following the news that Isabel Oakeshott has been found safe in Dubai. She issues this statement:

“Despite my enthusiasm for paying top rate tax, I have been forced to live in a city vulnerable to missile attacks because Sadiq Khan has turned London into a warzone where rainbows are painted on zebra crossings.”

18:42

With the Operation Epic Fury Signal Chat now functionally unusable because it has 15,000 members and is being repeatedly spammed with AI images of David Hasselhoff in clerical robes, Pete Hegseth migrates it to Roblox.

20:03

White House officials confirm that “Phase Two: Cultural Jihad” is now taking place. It features a coordinated airdrop across Iranian urban centres of vintage World Wrestling Federation VHSs, the bright orange plastic floating devices popularised in Baywatch, and a “Frequently Asked Questions” document which clarifies that Operation Epic Fury is “not regime change” but “regime hot-desking”.

21:15

As Gulf nations intercept the latest wave of Iranian strikes, capital flight from exposed markets accelerates and destabilisation across the region spreads, a buoyant president Trump hosts a FIFA sponsored Victory Telethon at Mar-a-Lago. While Kid Rock discharges an AK47 into the sky in front of an upside-down map of the region and a banner that reads MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, Trump announces: “We’re bringing tremendous stability. The best stability. Nobody stabilises like we do.”