Inside the White House “Holy War” Signal chat group

Paula White

Amen.

Donald Trump

Ideally, you don’t want any witnesses. Then it’s your word against hers. Amen.

Pope Leo XIV exited the chat

Paula White

Amen.

Russell Brand

Not all men.

JD Vance

*fist bump emoji*

Donald J Trump

Get Bob back in here. I need him to bless some of these new Lockheed Martin precision strike missiles.

JD Vance added Pope Leo XIV to the chat

Pope Leo XIV

Please stop re-adding me to this group.

JD Vance

The Lord works in a mysterious way, Bob.

Donald J Trump

Yes I do! Bob, we need you to bless some PrSMs.

Pope Leo XIV

No.

Pete Hegseth

C’mon Bob, it’s time to stop disrespecting our crusade in Iran.

Pope Leo XIV

Christ’s teaching rejects war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage it.

Pete Hegseth

Wrong. I prayed for this war to happen, and it did.

Pope Leo XIV

Christianity is not about praying to have your demands met.

Paula White

It is at Paula White Ministries.com. Pray with me now:

Our favour, who art in heaven, please smite The Pope for blaspheming against your only begotten son Donald J Trump.

Pope Leo XIV

Exodus 22:21 “Do not mistreat or oppress a foreigner, for you were foreigners in Egypt.”

Donald J Trump

Bob, I love the outfits, very high end, very smart. But you’re too soft. Too soft on war. Too soft on foreigners. Too soft on borders. Walls work. Look at your place. Biggest wall in Europe. 

Pope Leo XIV

Mary and Joseph were strangers too – in Bethlehem for a census where they were turned away from the inn.

Pete Hegseth

“And Joseph spake unto the receptionist at the inn, “A census taker once tried to test me. So I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.’” 

Pope Leo XIV

That is not scripture.

Paula White

It’s not important. What is important, “The Pope”, if that really is your name, is that God is telling you to give $12.99 to Paula White Ministries. More if necessary. If you need to give by credit card, do that too. Whatever the Holy Spirit says to you, do it. And then Donald can forgive you.

Donald J Trump

I have tremendous forgiveness. Nobody forgives like me. They’re saying I’ve got some of the best forgiveness ever.

Pope Leo XIV

Enough of the idolatry of self and money! Enough of the display of power! Enough of war! True strength is shown in serving life.

JD Vance

Bob, I think that it’s very, very important for you to be careful when you’re talking about matters of theology.

Pope Leo XIV

Forgive my outburst. I don’t usually lose my patience so easily. But you people are insane. Have you not heard of Papal Infallibility?

Paula White

Yes, I take PayPal too.

Pope Leo XIV

I’m the 267^th Pope in a line of succession stretching back to St Paul.

JD Vance

Well I did a six-week conversion course in 2019. 

Pete Hegseth

Bob, I’m getting the Jerusalem cross painted on all our F15s. How about we send you out in one so you can watch some AGM-65 Mavericks spreading the message of Christian fellowship?

Pope Leo XIV

Please read the Beatitudes. 

Pete Hegseth

I know them well. Matthew 5: 1-12: Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms – for life, for money, for love, knowledge – has driven the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper but also that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Amen.

Pope Leo XIV

That’s Gordon Gecko in Wall Street.

JD Vance

Are you saying Pete doesn’t know his bible? 

Pope Leo XIV

I’m saying a disciple of Christ, the Prince of Peace, can never be on the side of those who once wielded the sword and today drop bombs.

JD Vance

Dude, Pete’s got a “Deus Vult” tattoo. 

Pete Hegseth

It really speaks to the left-behind men of the 12^th century.

Russell Brand

I wish to elucidate through the medium of the twenty-six calligraphic dancers of the phonetic ballet, that if feeling the warm embrace of Christ’s love shortly after six people accused me of rape and sexual assault has taught me anything, it is that Jesus would definitely be in favour of launching missile strikes at Iranian schools until this fuss surrounding the Epstein scandal dies down.

Donald J Trump

Thank you for your insight, Russell.

Pope Leo XIV

Oh my days, please tell me you’re not prosecuting a war to distract from an abuse scandal?

Paula White

Donald J Trump is fighting the legions of Beelzebub on earth, and he can’t do that if people keep waving the damning evidence of his close relationship with a convicted paedophile in his face (which is the colour it is because the Holy Spirit is burning inside him).

Pope Leo XIV

The suffering of the innocent is not a distraction tactic.

Pete Hegseth

Correct. It’s spiritual warfare.

Pope Leo XIV 

Then so was every excuse ever made for looking away. You can’t just sweep these things under the carpet.

Pete Hegseth

You can if the carpet’s big enough.

JD Vance

If it’s a choice, and it is, between ending the self-interested reigns of a lot of men masquerading as public servants, or sealing an endemic sex abuse scandal behind a wall of distractions, what would you do?

Pope Leo XIV

Don’t bring the Catholic Church into this.

Pete Hegseth

The point is, our oil-rich Iranian brothers have suffered for too long. And the only way to end that suffering is to bomb all their civilian infrastructure. Amen.

Paula White

Amen.

Donald J Trump

Person. Woman. Camera. Amen. 

JD Vance

Amen.

Donald J Trump

TV.

*Yes, it’s satire. For more world exclusives from Henry Morris, read his Substack