I don’t need New Year’s resolutions, but our politicians do

You may have spotted the date before opening this column and decided or assumed that I, Marie Le Conte, was going to share some of my new year’s resolutions with you. It wasn’t a terrible bet – as I seem to recall, I did write such a piece for this publication a few years ago – but enough is enough.

What 2025 proved to me is that, all things considered, I’m fine. I’m fine! Am I the most virtuous and flawless person to ever live? Of course not, but I still think I’ve managed to make the best out of the hand I’ve been dealt. Instead, and to misquote a post that once went viral in what is now known as “that Nazi factory”, it’s the circumstances’ turn to improve.

In fact, I’ll even go one step further: today, I would like to pick out a number of public figures and assign them some resolutions for 2026, as I worry that, without me, they’ll simply never see the error of their ways. You can think of me as an annoying, moralising Father Christmas, doling out not presents but unsolicited advice. Here goes:

To Keir Starmer

Wake up! Please, for the love of god man, wake up. If there’s one thing you ought to be doing next year, it’s remembering that you were elected as Labour prime minister, by a very diverse coalition of voters, and that you should be leading as such. No more pandering to racists or trying to ignore them; no more listening to some of the worst people alive when seeking advice. Just lead, as a proud Labour PM. On which note…

To Lord Glasman

Hey there Maurice! I know Britain is great and you love it but how would you fancy a nice digital detox? Maybe somewhere round the Canary Islands? It could even be somewhere further! I just think you’ve done so much to British politics recently, and you deserve a good rest. A good, long rest. Without your phone or the ability to write columns in the press. What do you say, champ?

Suggested Reading

Can we please stop taking Blue Labour’s Glasman seriously?

Steve Anglesey

To Kemi Badenoch

Well this is a tough one, isn’t it? As many people have presumably found over the years, generically deciding to just “be better” isn’t a resolution that tends to stick. It wouldn’t hurt to try, though? There is easy glory to be found here, as the Tory leader who brings the party back from the very bottom of the polls. Maybe just go back to basics, and stop looking at your social media feeds so much. Speaking of which:

To the British political elite in general

Please, for the love of all that is holy, get off Elon Musk’s X once and for all. There are many ways in which our political sphere is broken but surely this is the one that’s easiest to fix. Things would so obviously be better if our nation’s politicians and journalists didn’t spend so much time on a website run by a far-right white nationalist.

To Zohran Mamdani

Well hello there, Mister New York Mayor! It says here on my sheet that you should – hang on, let me get my glasses – “befriend Marie Le Conte, you two would obviously become best friends immediately”. No I know, I’m surprised too, but you can’t argue with the list, can you?

To the French left

Lads, the election is coming in 2027 and it really isn’t looking great for us. Voters obviously won’t go for the centre again, and the centre-right cannot be trusted not to fall for the siren songs of the far-right. We have to rely on you. Please, in 2026, start acting like adults and get your act together. We don’t have much time, and we need you.

Andy Burnham

Oh Andy, for all our sakes, stop acting like the cat of the Labour party. Do you want to come in but actually now the door is open you’ve decided you’d rather stay out? Are you happy to do this every day, seven times a day? Enough! Be more decisive or leave us alone, Andy Burnham. That is my resolution for you.

To Nigel Farage and Robert Jenrick

Look, I think we can all agree you’ve been very busy recently. You’ve been soooo productive. Wouldn’t it be nice to just take a breather in 2026? I hear Lord Glasman’s going on a lengthy retreat somewhere nice and sunny. Maybe you could join him there? I think that would be nice. You can come back in 2027. Or don’t.

Happy New Year everyone!